My son is in college and my daughter is now a senior in high school and I am officially beginning the year of letting go.  Let's be clear, I have consciously understood from the day my children were born that the process of letting go began.   I was warned how fast children grow up, I just didn't believe it would happen so quickly.   And somehow as I was nurturing and loving these amazing beings, I forgot to plan the "what's next" for me.

Why do I feel so lost?  I would adamantly deny, and did so on many occasions, that I was someone who defined myself by my children.  I have spent a lifetime preparing to have children, and the last 18+ years raising them.  Almost every decision I have made has included what is best for and/or how will it affect the children.  How will I define myself now?  What is my purpose?

Being all about me is a fearful place and I have to say it feels somewhat selfish.  Why do I have so many negative thoughts swirling through my head?  This should be a time of growth, opportunity and freedom, not the time for fear and uncertainty.  I am Seeking the joy and opportunity I know is waiting for me, I just can't see it yet.

I don't believe I was meant to be an accountant...

This is from my journal, I believe there is a clue to what I am supposed to be doing...

I Love the IDEA of being an Author.

I have written a book...in my head.  I know the story, I have lived with the characters for a decade, I know the message and I know the book layout.  I welcome talking to my editor about content and wording, I even embrace the deadlines involved.

So why haven't I written it?

I love the IDEA of Christmas.

The house is decorated, cookies are baking, friends are stopping by to chat, and all my Christmas cards are written and they are creative and beautiful without being boastful.  We spend all our evenings sitting by the beautifully decorated tree, the lights are twinkling and Christmas music is softly playing in the background, and my family is communicating and connecting in a deep an meaningful way.  You can feel the warmth and love in everything.

I like the IDEA of a new baby, not for me, please I'm  not crazy!

Baby powder, first words, smiles, first teeth, standing and walking.  OH!, the possibilities a new life has to offer.  Taking the time to read stories, playing games, going for walks, talking, just basking in the pure joy of connection.

I love the IDEA of cooking.

I love cookbooks and I admit  I dwell in the possibility of creation.  Food is beautiful, smells good, tastes amazing and it nurtures.  Food literally touches all of the senses.    I am all about the IDEA of food.  I spend hours looking at cookbooks, I am always on the quest for a new one and I admit, I take pictures of food.  I am a foodie.  I read menus to see all the innovative combinations.  I can pick up a cookbook and analyze it in minutes.  I am a self professed cookbook expert.  Try earning a living with this skill...

I love the IDEA of all that can be Created.

Pens, paper, ribbons, glue...OH MY~  Art and Craft Stores are bursting with possibility.

As I walk down the aisles the ideas flow, flow, flow, almost to the point of being overwhelming.  I call this free flow, it happens when I am not looking for a specific item and I allow my mind to be open to all the possibilities of what can be created.

I love the IDEA of quilting.

Again with the warmth and nurturing (could this be a pattern emerging...?).  Quilts have beauty, they have purpose and the surround you with love.  I have taken classes, I have purchased yards of fabric and I have all the tools to make a quilt.  SURPRISE!  I have never made a quilt.

I am an idea person.  I can describe IDEAS with clarity and delegate the steps necessary to achieve the BIG picture.  That is excitement and flow for me.

Direction?  Anyone?

What is your dream today, write it down and make the choice to work towards it!

While life doesn't come together perfectly, it is still perfectly beautiful.

A New Perspective

I read a really interesting article this morning stating that a disproportionate number of people in creative vocations are left handed.

Today, I am attempting to complete everyday tasks using my left hand.  I will let you know if any life changing, astonishingly creative ideas come my way.  I must admit, running the computer mouse with my left hand is extremely challenging, slightly frustrating and very humorous.  You think I'm exaggerating?  Try it!  :)

I Like the Idea of Camping

Just Imagine...Your sitting in front of a crackling fire,  wrapped tightly in the arms of your honey and warm blankets while feeding each other roasted marshmallows, really listening to each other without the distraction of the outside world, accompanied by nothing but the background chorus of night sounds.  This amazing evening is naturally followed by an peaceful and sound night of uninterrupted sleep, waking up to the morning chill  coupled with the incredible, and there is nothing like it,  smell of coffee brewing outdoors.


This moment didn't just happen, someone had to create it.  Planning, packing, setting up, building the fire, taking down the tent, repacking and putting everything away when you return home, back to reality.  


I have learned my passion is in the creation of the moment, because I really hate camping.
Cheers!

Making assumptions only makes it the truth inside my own head and may not be the outside my head reality.

My Personal 9 to 5

"Negative Space" in a positive way

I have spent a lifetime searching for the proverbial answers to the elusive questions, What is my calling?  Where/What is my passion?  What vocation will excite me and provide me with "Flow"?   I have always assumed I was carrying the answer within me.  Maybe not.

I am embracing the positive energy existing within the "negative space".   I have spent months, okay years, looking within always peering outward.   It is time to climb outside of myself and peer inward. The answers may not be about what's currently in front of me, but what's not there.  Something just begging to be discovered and celebrated.

Oh Yea, The Action Part

I have done the visioning work.  I have collaged and journaled and I have a very vivid visual picture of the life I desire.  I have walked through and even sat on the couch of my future city apartment, located in the trendy Midtown section of Atlanta.  I have cut out magazine pictures,  have mentally sat in, and driven the car of my dreams.   I have designed the cover of my NY Times best-selling novel and have mentally attended "standing room only" events promoting my book.  I have even appeared on Oprah and we have become the closest of friends.  In my pretend world, I am amazing and talented.   I can certainly dream the dream really well.

Oh yea, the part I seem to forget, dreams require work.  UGGG!  The action part.   Time to start visioning myself sitting at the computer and actually writing.  Off to do the work, I will keep you posted on my progress, Cheers.

Not an Airport Exit

I tend to view the world from an upside down, on the side, around the corner perspective.  I live outside the preverbal box, in fact the box may make a really great foot stool, kind of way.  My perspective can be interesting and confusing to me as well as the people living with me, those that choose to work with me and the ones who love me.  I also believe this is a gift to be treasured, most of the time.

I would like to share a story that illustrates this in a slightly embarrassing way.  My husband and I had pulled off to get gas for a rental car before returning it to the rental car lot.  As we were leaving the gas station, the sign at one of the exits read, "Not an airport exit".  I read the sign and processed the the sign to mean,    this is not the way to go if you want to exit the airport and it is the way to go if you want to continue on your journey to the terminal.  I wanted to stay on the airport grounds so, I took it.  My husband looked at me with his eyes all crunched together with his finger in the position of  half point and his head cocked slightly to the right in a confused way.  Needless to say, we were off on  an adventure and we were not going in the direction of the airport.

Gotta say, I love an adventure.  Good thing.

Ground Hog's Day

Ground Hog's Day always perplexed me.  As a child, I could never figure out if it was better for the Ground Hog to see his shadow or not see his shadow.

It's all about perspective.  I grew up in Minnesota, so when this precious rodent poked his head out of his safe warm bed to check out the sunshine and make his prediction, I couldn't wait!  If he saw his shadow, I was thrilled.  "ONLY" six more weeks of winter!  Yea!  The idea of a Minnesota winter lasting less than six weeks, from the beginning of February, was really out of the realm of possibility.

Here's to an early spring, Cheers.

I will be strong, puppy dog eyes will no longer work on me!

I am putting my foot down!  I will no longer believe my husband or my children when they look at me with those sweet pleading eyes promising with all the sincerity they can gather in that moment when they ask for a new puppy, cat, fish, hamster, chinchilla or any other creature that cannot take of themselves on their own!  This time I really really mean it.

This revelation will come as a shock to my parents because as a child I brought home every stray I could catch and love.  I love animals, I just don't want to take care of any more of them.  I have learned. repeatedly, if an animal of any kind  comes into this house I will be feeding, walking, cleaning up any fluids that chooses to come out of "it", taking "it" to the vet, giving "it" medicine, running after "it" as "it" runs through the neighborhood every time "it" happens to escape, etc.

I love, love, love my pets.  I just do not want another dog, sorry B.

On the Quest for Better

I learned something very surprising today...Not everyone thinks the same way I do!  Ok for real, I knew this I am not totally self absorbed, I just never realized my daughter was so different than I am when it comes to trying new things.

While searching the shampoo isle at Target looking intently for the product that would ultimately change my world, my daughter said something that stunned me.  She picked up a bottle of shampoo all shiny and golden in color with the word NEW prominently printed on the label and proceeded to carefully read the label.   She commented on the sparkly look of the product, shared with me the products promise of shiny softer hair and brighter highlights opened the bottle and smelled it, commenting on how good it smelled.  And then she put the bottle back on the shelf.   I asked her if she wanted to try it and she said, "I like my shampoo and it works fine".  

WHAAAATTT?   She is a beautiful girl who is blessed with shiny blond hair with exactly the perfect amount of layers, perfectly straightened and reaching to the middle of her back.  She could probably wash her hair in dish detergent and it would still look great.  But not try something new, I don't get it.  So I asked her, "Why not try it, you may like it better than your shampoo?"  And she replied, "It may NOT work."

The thought never crossed my mind.  Of course it will work, it's NEW.  It must be better, right?

Ahhhh, twenty ten!

For someone who dwells in possibility, a new year is equal to receiving the best gift ever!  All shiny and new and ready to be shaped into whatever you choose it to be.  A new beginning, a chance to put the past year into the archives.  The possibility of all the amazing "things" that can be accomplished are endless and the outlook is nothing but positive.

This year I will draw more, I will communicate with love and understanding, I will write, I will attempt to be more compassionate, I will be creative in the kitchen, I will listen, I will journal, I will attempt to be patient, I will love.